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What Actually Happens When Your Crush Walks In And Talks To You

When your crush walks in the same room you are in, you should have been all zen, smooth and should have cracked that good joke you thought of, but you do not. The actual response is more catastrophic than all the Roland Emmerich movies put together.

Here I show you the actual biological process you go through, and why it all happens like it happens.

1. Your crush walks in

Eyes – HUBBA HUBBA! Show me more! MOARRRRR!
We need more of that person on the retina! Dilate the pupils! Why do we still have telescopic lenses?
Keep the gaze on that person! Do not lose track! And eyelids, if you blink, so God help me, You are FIRED!
Heart – OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT! Pump all the blood we have got, on the double! The most beautiful person just walked in! Pump it faster! FASTER!
Mouth – GUYS! We are losing control and the mouth is just opening wide, and the jaw muscles won’t work! We cannot shut the mouth! Help, brain!!!

2. He/She walks up to you

Eyes – Keep the focus on him/her! I don’t care if it’s creepy! Stare, and DON’T YOU DARE BLINK!
Mouth – Ok, ok, ok! We still can’t close the mouth. Improvise! What can we do? Can we still smile? Ok! Smile! Smile!
I don’t care if the mouth is still open! SMILE!
OK, that does NOT look good.
Face – Guys, we are getting a lot of blood, so just put it all on the cheeks. Let’s put some color on that ugly face.
Let’s embarrass the shit out of this guy.
Sweat glands – Heart, you ass, you are making it too hot! Double the sweat – on his face, his armpits, his palms, and his butt.
Yes, on his butt too, so that it leaves an imprint on the surface he is sitting on when he gets up.
Brain – All my circuits are fried! My Cerebrum is shot! Nothing is working!!! NOTHING!
You guys are on your own!

3. He/She says hi!

Eyes – Keep it on that angel face!
But she just held out her hand for a handshake, boss. Shouldn’t we let the others know?
No! Keep it on that face. Only on the face. OMG. That face.
Mouth – We got no saliva guys. We are completely dry. Tongue, can you speak?
Tongue – NOPE!
Brain – Ok! OK! I am getting some control! Release Oxytocin, serotonin, vasopressin and dopamine.
All at once?
Yes goddammit! All at once!
Heart – OMG OMG OMG OMG! Look at that face!
Stomach – Rumble rumble rumble rumble!
Knees and fingers – We too are losing control, guys! We are getting too shaky!

4. He/She talks to you

Your Crush – “Happy new year! I will really miss 2014!”
Brain – Ok! Say uhhsay – “me too!”
You – “Me too! What an year it was!”
Brain – “WTF? why did you say that? Ok, ok, improvise!”
Your Crush – “Uhm, it’s a year, not an year, actually”
Brain – Ok, ok, make a save, look for old jokes in the dustbins. I need something! Fast!
Eyes – We are fucked, aren’t we?
Everyone nods
Brain – Ok, Ok, say this!
You – “Yeah I know. I say an year because I got this medical condition called an-year-ism. Get it?”
Everyone facepalms.

5. He/She walks away awkwardly

Brain (slumps in its chair) – Well, fuck.
Eyes – Oh look, she/he has a nice butt. Keep it on that! Let everyone know that we are such creeps!
Heart – Guys he/she is gone. Relax. Resume normal beating.
Butt – Oh good, now I can let out the gas we were holding in for so long. I almost let it out during that God awful conversation.
Mouth – You’re such a shitty captain brain. WTF was up with that shitty joke man? You embarrassed me!
The sexual organ –  Guys, what did I miss? And, whose gorgeous butt is that?
Brain – Nothing. Forget it. I will give you a fantasy to make you happy.
The sexual organ – Again? When will I get the real stuff you incompetent fool?
Brain – Just because the fantasies happen inside me, why can’t it be real?
The sexual organ – Stop quoting from Harry Potter. Damn you! I am sulking!
Heart – All right guys, back to work.
Over and out.


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